Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
