we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
