I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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