remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
