I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
