I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
