Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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