ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
