Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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