Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
