I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize