She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
