Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
