I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
