Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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