Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
