Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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