I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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