Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
