Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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