Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
