new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
