she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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