There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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