Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Randomize
