i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
