I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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