Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
