Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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