8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
