Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
