Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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