i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
