You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just puked most of my soul out..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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