I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
