i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
