Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
