i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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