You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
