how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
