I got chris browned last night
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
