her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
