I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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