I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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