My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
