so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
