Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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