i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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