: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
