Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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