I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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