We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How's work?
Spinning.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
