I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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