I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
