Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
