I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
