my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
