i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
