she sounds like chewbacca in bed
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
